Freewrite.

I’ve been thinking about this blog thing every day. What should I write about? What will be interesting? After several days of uninspiring thoughts, I finally came across an inspiring one. Today in our unofficial, unaccredited, yet still seriously taken jazz improv course, Dr. Plies stated that you don’t think when you improv. You just do it. You don’t pause and say, “Okay, now I’m going to play an Ebm7 chord, followed by a C#m11,. . .” No, that’s not how jazz works. Of course you need to know the foundation of jazz to gain the freedom of improvisation. But once you get there, you let loose and just be. I’m the type of person who finds it hard to just be. I am all about planning, preparing, packing, practicing, procurating, proctoring, patting. . .wait what?

I am wired to organize, to worry, to anticipate things before they come so when they do come, I will be ready. I have only recently realized that what I used to think is elite discipline is really only perfectionism driven by fear that I won’t be enough. Viewing it with that name gives me a different perspective. No wonder I have my days planned out by the hour. I have rituals, regularity, and routines. It’s comforting to me. The unexpected things that occur during the day really get me good. I’m not sure why I am this way. I don’t believe it’s innately bad, but I do believe it has twisted its way into some unhealthy practices in my life.

All I can do at this point is let the challenge of freedom from ritual merely brush my mind, then watch it leave. That’s all I’m ready for at this point. As I become more familiar with the idea of change, maybe then I will be ready to challenge myself for change. For now, digesting all of these things is challenge enough. Like I mentioned before, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared! But it shouldn’t be an all consuming source of stress.

And here comes the awkward part that reveals my inability to conclude in a non-awkward way. . .oh no I said awkward twice, agh three times!!

xoxo,

Liz

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